Bears on Unicycles: No laughing matter

So I was in Russia yesterday and I saw a bear. He claimed his name to be Boris. I said," Where's your unicycle?". He looked at me and let out a low roar. Then he said," Just because I'm a bear in Russia doesn't mean i need a unicycle". I then stated," Are you retarded? Five sixths of Russia's population is bears on unicycles". He then followed by mauling me. Which brings me to my next point. SHUT UP! But seriously, fighting a bear with your 'bear' hands is no luau. Especially since your opponent really does have bear hands. And to make your self egotistical to the point that you think you can fight a bear that has WMD's is ridiculous. But i digress. I was also thinking when the bear mauled me, how ironic would it be to confront this wild animal about my second amendment right to his arms. I also pondered whether Sydney Swanson would go to prom with me or not. But that was a totally unrelated subject to the topic of my face being eatin' off by this 'circus' bear. After losing lots of blood and dignity, i figured that it was ok because this bear is a bully that is going nowhere in life. And i will because I'm bodacious sauce. I was another normal day in the soviet.. i mean Russia.